Robust Beverage Society

The folks at Hansens, if the names they place on their beverages are any indication, are a mite full of themselves.  Of course, the mere fact that The Drinkinator is reviewing it means that Hansen’s is using REAL CANE SUGAR, so perhaps some pretensions on their part are acceptable.

Now, if you’re expecting, and like, a super-fizzy soda which jumps up and bites you on the nose, and then has you burping for the next six minutes, this is not it.  A close reading of the label tells us that Hansen’s “…proudly offers our super-premium, all-natural Hansen’s(r) Signature(tm) Soda,” and that “Hansen’s(r) Signature(tm) Soda is the pinnacle of the soda crafter’s art.”

No, I’m not making that up.  These guys triple filter their water, blend vanilla from Madagascar, Indonesia and frickin’ Tahiti, with “natural orange flavor”, add HONEY for cryin’ out loud…  Then they bottle it in a 12 ounce brown bottle which would not be out of place sitting alongside a beer.

That 12 ounce bottle will set you back a buck twenty.

“But Dave,” you ask “Is it any good?”

The answer to that is largely dependant upon your own desires.  If you believe, as I do, that the purpose of an orange creme soda is to nearly perfectly emulate those orange Creamsicles of bygone days, albeit with fizz, then Hansen’s falls short.  This is not a strongly flavored beverage, neither intensely sweet, nor supernally fizzy.  The flavor of oranges (which seems to The Drinkinator’s pallate to be a combination or mandarins and tangerines) is light and delicate, and backed up by a similarly effete undercurrent of vanilla.  Cutting to the chase, this soda is every bit as pretensious as the label indicates.

This will, of course, appeal to some people.  The Drinkinator, however is disappointed.  I’d very much like a pure cane sugar soda that doesn’t pretend it’s better than me. Orange should taste like orange, and not a distant memory of oranges.  Vanilla should taste like vanilla, and not a wan echo of vanilla. Soda should fizz, with real bubbles of CO2, and not a faint impression of carbonation buried beneath the earth by ancient Egyptians, then later exhumed by Howard Carter, and placed on display in the British Museum.

Yes folks, this is mummified soda.  The resurrected mindless zombie of soda.  The antithesis of all that is good and right about soda, in spite of the pure cane sugar.

For the record, I also attempted to consume “Hansen’s Signature Premium All-Natural Ginger Beer Soda”, and was similarly unimpressed.  If these two are at all typical of the rest of the product line, the Drinkinator will be doing Hansen’s a favor by refusing to review any more of them.